Blackcurrant yum yum...

Okay let's not get this blog so tense up k... People everywhere, P.E.A.C.E, if you people hate me so much then sorry k if I make U hate me but then, sometimes we need to understand a person too rite and forgive, and please don't judge anyone by their looks or weaknesses... I am saying this to everyone, this is my opinion la, I realise from other people and my experiences that alot of people like to judge alot. Like in the working world, there are a lot of people like that. I totally agree with the entry by Hafeza, sorry but it is in Malay, human creates alot of problems just by minor things and how she relates with what is happening to the world.

Honestly, I think I am experiencing it now, sometimes when U open your mouth too much, people talk behind your back, then if U are too quiet, people say U like stupid like that. So how? I have no idea. So I just remain quiet and do what I am suppose to do. Is that a good thing? I am not sure. Go with the flow is better I guess.

I tried my blackcurrant drink we did yesterday, so nice!!! HahaAHah... So pathetic, I am happy for making blackcurrant drink... With only just a blackcurrant drink, I am feeling the achievement. I been thinking about it since just now, I think I miss my blackcurrant.

This is scary but my horoscope in TODAY is so similar to my life, they mention about somebody in my workplace mite make me feel insecure, well I think I know who. Sigh~ I will never be able to please everyone. Don't think I am sastified enough for what I have done, I have to do more than just listen to people's problems and advice. But then it is hard, people mite think I am weird.

Hope I am not bringing what is affecting me at work to my home. Thankz mum, U are a great motivation for me. Sorry Sarah, I don't get to meet U today, I am broke, we can meet next week and watch movie k...

Up to U

If U may have realise the date to that post was on last Saturday or issit Sunday, Fad just when out of camp, he was furious coz he don't get to see your blog, up to U la, if U think we do mistakes then up to U to forgive. But then watever it is, all the best to ya... I am sure life ahead will be better for U. Anyway, I think Fad do that to test on your sincerity, forgive us if we did anything wrong. I don't want to think and fight anymore, I just want us to be okay. Brape byk org nk forgive? Hmm well whatever accusations that U may have written in my comments abt me that is not true, how about that, U too hurt me, I have forgive U already. Forgive Fad, he just want to know whether U really am U and U are not somebody else. U must understand, this is a blog, sesiapa pon leh act as U. I am all about P.E.A.C.E

Quality Check Lab Technician

Comments on the job...

Apparatus are all in Chinese, even the centrifuge... I feel like a gundu when first started on 22nd of Dec 2005. The pH meter is funny, very complicated, I think maybe it has something against me. The ppl there are nice but then I feel so young and stupid. Got the potential of getting scalded and probably rushed to the emergency room perhaps. Haha... I love challenging jobs. But..

Here are the few list of improvements that the lab should have..

1) micro-pippettes
2) labcoats for everyone (maybe not now coz factory still new)
3) Kim-wipes (remember we use to love that piece of tissue??)
4) weighing boats
5) roller chairs (my feet are arching now)

From this day onwards, I will try my best to not drink soft drinks or even any drinks that contains sugar. The amount of sugar in that drink is so much... And the flavourings are also added, that is not good too right? Hmmm wonder what I will do tomorrow...

My English is not good enuff for U?

Hello... If U are out there, U should know that I have already forgive U, which part of my sentence that U don't understand, what hurt? Who are U to know what happen to me when U left? U were not there... How U know me? U don't. So how U know U have all the hurt, do U know that I never hurt anyone or maybe probably only my frens perhaps and still I do still have ppl who hurt me. Do U think U have matured? Pls before U ask me all that questions why not ask yourself, U are the one hurting me with all this fuss, U don't get what I mean, the moment I was explaining to U. U keep wanting to win. This is a fair game so pls... I have FORGIVE U A LONG TIME AGO, and now I didn't know that U mite appear in my life again so I was taken aback. Do U know that its hard to trust someone so I do accept the apology, neway, it is no difference because I have FORGIVEN U... Pls get that clear... I have my own doubts but I do am happy that U say sorry and that U have the guts. Get That PLZ... I have the rights to feel what I want to feel, why such a fuss. I don't care whatever U do to your blog, that is your property, just that I find it weird, whats wrong with that, just like what U say, a person is entitled to whatever the person want to say or think, anyway this is a blog, how do U know what is in my mind. It is up to U to take back your words, never live your life with regrets k. You want me to think, but what is there to think, I am not in your life and the only things I can know what is happening to U is by what U wrote in that blog. Anyway the pain that U feel through this times are all because U chose so, remember U were mentioning about karma in your blog, so is it my fault? At least U chose that way so its karma, how about me? U don't know what happen in my life, and wat U have said in previous comments, U may not know me as I am now, so this phrase goes the same to U. How do U feel when U always been there for almost everyone but still hurt by others? U won't know what happen to me so U don't understand.

"Of course it's hard for you. Why? Because you have not let it go. That hatred. That regret. Have you grown up"

About what U have said above, I will like to ask U 1 question, How do U know? U don't even know me. The only things that U have to support against that is my blog and probably my bad english. But do U know my heart well enough? If I still have all the hatred, I would have gotten with all the guys who want to know me and when I get them, I will ditch them. But did I do that? NO!!! Do U know this? NO!!! So who are U to judge me?

"Did you appreciate the life He has given you? Did you appreciate the path that He let you take?I didn't think so. Wanna know why?Imagine. Someone who is trying to make a better life, turning over a new leaf, REPENT(for God's Sake!), suddenly, on one night, decided to type his full name on his yahoo search engine. And he finds out that his bitter past from 4 years ago starts to haunt him!Think.... before you start to say anything.I've had enuf. The tables have turned. I pray the Lord to protect me from the Hurt that you cause now.Thanks. and Good Bye forever. "

From what U have written above, I do appreciate the path and my life, but then HELLO!!! like what U have said before, it is up to the person to have their way of thinking... AND get this thing right, the way I think is that I am a forgiver, I don't like revenge and I am full of doubts and I think too much... So if I have doubts means that I think too much so what is the fuss, it is just that U don't know me. Don't believe ask my frens... Seriously, I think U got it all wrong...

Plz, I really don't want to fight anymore, I just want your life to be happy and mine too. I wish that all of us can be frens. That is all. Now that U are the one who take back your words, then its up to u, because I have already forgiven U. I even pray for your happiness but then to no avail. For what I know I have done what I can for U to understand and forgave U(since along time ago), so it is all up to U now. Seems like U are accusing me of hurting U. Come on, we know that in this world there are always people hurt more than us, so let's drop this fuss. The conclusion is, U don't know me. And it is a blog so U can only see words but not feel what I am trying to say. I realise that I will always fight with someone either on MSN or email, Sunil, I need your assistance in my English here...hahaAHa

Get it all wrong...

To Sazali:

U have misunderstood me. And U can't blame me if I have certain doubts because the only thing I see are words. But I do accept your apologies, neway I have forgiven U a long time ago. I just hope that it is not another lie. This doesn't mean I think that U are lying.

Plz don't mention anything about U being hurt all because U think that I think U are lying, coz I have been hurt by U/others and it was much worse feeling, and I never asked for it eventhough I don't hurt U or anybody that I have been hurt from.

I even offered you to be our friend, and so did Fadly, we wanted to help U, how sincere are we? Who is not believing who now? You should be glad that I am not like any other ex-girlfriends who would cursed behind your back and plan a revenge on U. And U can still mention about being hurt? U should not be, I believe that you really meant the whole 'forgive me' but I hope it is not another lie. This doesn't mean that I think you are lying.

Plz don't only understand your situation, understand mine too. I do believe you are truly sorry but I just hope U are not lying to me....Plz read this carefully.

To Fadly:

I love U and will never leave U. I know U love me so much and I have learn alot from your love. InsyaAllah it will lasts... Never been happy so much before in my life. I need U... Don't worry, U will do fine in life.... Don't stress too much k... Can't wait to meet U again... U look so toned after 10 days in NS..hehe... Happy 2nd year anniversary on 24th of December. Love you always.

Return

Opinions no matter what it shall be in return
Hopes are too high and bad
Beyond hope of my dreams, I wander myself to sleep
Messages of hate lingers beneath the surface
Individuals appear blunt in presence
Behind this inner wall of sanity relate
Laughter penetrate the soft hearts and souls
Wishing of unleashing the anger lost
Whatever I may do I whisper the prayers I know
Love and passion will not die through
Cruelty, poverty locked within this ruling empire of souls
A cycle is broken, another is too
Paying it again for the kindness brought together
Missing the love, losing the grip in life
Wishing the wishes made in mind
Waiting in line for return and the return...

Miss him...

On the 13th of Dec 2005, Fad went for his National Service. It is hard when he is not around. Been playing games and sleeping really late, just can't stop thinking about him, about the things he do that make me laugh. Didn't call me yet, wonder if he is busy, probably he is so tired. Couldn't deny that part of me thinks that he forget me, but then whatever it is I hope he is fine and coping well. I have to lose some weight, don't feel myself if I am like this, it is as though I am miserable... *sigh*

'Just Like Heaven' is very nice movie, weird but nice... Hope Fad can watched it with me... Though I already watched it. It has been a long time that I never write a poem. Till today...

Leaving alone unattended
Blowing in the wind of hope
Push myself within me strongly
Prolonged endurance of pain fixed
Long view of humanity awaits
Alienated in this world outside forever
Reaping the garden in dreams at night
Searching gracefully among the flowers of heaven
Spiritually coincides feelings to be alive
Imaginary friends floats in childhood memory
Nice words don't have what I need later
Touching hearts of others with a smile, I lead
Hoping tomorrow will be the end of miss

My Drama & Poetry teacher use to say that poem can come in different sounds and forms, it may not mean anything to others but then it may to some... Don't know about you guys but there is a meaning. Probably I should start with writing poems again... Maybe I should share this with Afiq, hope I am not too late to feature my poems in their book... Well, it doesn't matter but it makes me feel better. 'Never too focus when you are wrting a poem because you have to be you when you write it', I will never forget that sir, and I am sorry I forget your name but I do remember it starts with a 'D'... I feel so guilty now.

Cinta Ku Sejati ( My love is forever... )

Nobody really knows what have I gone through in life, the people I have met and shaped my life, the things that thought me how to carry all these on my shoulder and the strength that keep me going. Now I shall reveal it. It doesn't matter who may read this.

I think the biggest turning pt in my life is when I got to know Sazali, not because it was a very nice memory but then it thought me things that make me into me today. Sazali was my first love, I never felt love before but then when I met him, I have changed and learn to love myself and love someone and be happy. Well, I am sure you will have questions like, "what happen to him?", or, "why things didn't work out?". That you have to ask him. I have loved him and trusted him but then one fine day, he reveal his true self. He have another person in his life before I came, he said that having me in his life was such a fairy tale and wanted to tell our future children of how we met (this he told me before he tell me the truth). He said that the other person in his life really want to change and having a heart attack, she really needs him. So dramatic huh... Well, when I think of it now and even a long time ago, I know that he is lying. Nevertheless, I know that what he have told me before about us being together and loving me and caring for me, was all true. He was just confuse because the person that he have known before(or Allah knows maybe she is after me), is his reality but then with me was his fantasy. He have always wanted a girl like me but then because of reality I believed that there is no future in me with him. I remember that he told me I should learn to make friends more with guys and that I will learn about love after a while. And I did. Eventhough he have hurt me, but then I am thankful that Allah make him leave me and gave me Fadly.

But then the moments when Sazali was gone and Fadly haven't come into my life, those were the most hardest moment of my life. It took me around 2+ years to really get rid of the hurt and pain Sazali have left me with. But I realised that I was a better person when he left. I went into chatrooms and get to know alot of guys, but then my intentions were not to find someone but finding my true self. I wanted to make friends and touch people's lives, instead along the way in that 2+ years, I was judged and even tested by Allah about my patience to find the right friend, I did in my heart wish that I would find the guy that I have been wanting to meet. The only guy friends that I have till now that I have benefitted from these chatrooms/Anakmelayu are Md Khair and Nur Zahfran. After around 2 years, I met Zahfran on Hari Raye 2005... Haha... I have another friend, Zaki, or Zack, got my no. from his friend, been friends with him for 2+ years, learn alot about guys and life from him too. Other than these guys, there are a few others including gals that I have touch their life, I hope they remember me, coz I don't. Hahaha... Sorry dudes and duddettes! During this 2 years, I have a realtionship with a guy call Fadil, he was so patient with my insecure self but then he was not that patient to heal me, and he is not the one. For your info, Md Khair and Zahfran, I have known in Anak Melayu and so is Fadly. I didn't realise that Fadly was my friend in Anak Melayu till he gave me his email add in MIRC.

Here is the story of my true happiness. I was online in IRC Melayu chatroom, was joking with my normal chat pals, can't remember their nicks, suddenly, 'Breakme' came into the chatroom, everybody knows him and we all ended up talking about love and looks. I and Breakme(Fadly) was also private messenging, we exchange email adds so that we can chat on MSN, that is when I realised that he was my Anak Melayu friend, that I have known quite a while, though we don't talk much online in Anak Melayu. Everytime from that day, if I am online, Fadly will always approached me in MSN the moment I entered. I don't have any feelings for him that time, was actually on the verge of being with another guy named, Ali. Weird guy, he give me hopes of being with him but then I know that if I were to be with him, I won't feel secure, coz eventhough when we were still friends, I can already feel it. Fadly gave me an sms one day, and he said in the message, to forget Ali and why not be with him. I was shocked, I called him and laugh but then, he was silent, I can hear him cry softly and mummuring that he doesn't want the same things to happen. That was the time when suddenly it hits me. I realised that I have always been jealous when he was too busy chatting with other gals online(I know when he reply late on MSN), and that small fights that we have about Ali that was so obvious Fadly was jealous and when I miss him because unable to log in to the internet to see him online(as I was using dial-up last time). All that just come to me. He put down the phone on me, I cried, get to him back and asked him whether was it true. He diverted all the questions.I was thinking about him from then on, I changed my no. and lose contact with Ali. I told Fadly about how I feel when I cannot hold it anymore, he said that he was scared that things won't work out well as he thought when he sms me last time, thats the reason why he diverted those questions. He is scared of telling a gal how he feel as he have failed alot in relationships, but then I assured him, I am different, and I understand. So it doesn't kill for gals to tell first. Well, he kinda tell me about it first but then I am the first to say and express how I feel. He heal me patiently, clear most of my insecurities and make my wish come true. Ali was trying to find me after I am already with Fadly, in MIRC, so weird that he will go all that far to private msg everyone online in Melayu to ask about me. How I know? My cousin was online. Ali have seen me before in geylang Serai, seen him from far, don't think things will work out for us, he is too mysterious for me.

Because of Sazali these things happened to me, so there is always a reason when there is hardship, because now and I hope, insyaAllah, in the future will always be by Fadly's side. In life, always be patient and improve yourself, along the way you be granted for what you wish for and learn more things about yourself. For now Alhamdulillah syukur for what I have....