I think I know where I stand now

Hmmm.... You know sometimes no matter what you do to help and please others, you are just still being ignored and sometimes be the joke of the conversation or God knows a gossip title of a conversation. I feel that now. No matter what I do, seems nothing to them. Probably I should just disappear into thin air from this world, never will hear never will see anymore, I am not important anyway. That trust is not there anymore and people won't hear my reasoning and my cries. If it is easy to just disappear then I think i will, slowly so no one will realise. When it comes to me, people just glance away but when it comes to other, I won't, I can't stop that worry held inside this aching heart. Been there, done that, nothing is worthwhile to others. It make no sense to anymore, just feel like running away as far and as fast I could from everyone. It is the presence of Fad that I won't do that, I don't want to lose him. Sad to know my deeds and my cries and my presence meant nothing to certain people. People say that the people who U are so nice to are actually those that don't erally care for U. I try to be fair to evryone unless I really know they hate me, I'll stand away, far far away, unless my help needed, I'll be there. I feel like an invisible wall penetrated with pain, used and worn out but still strong, full of vandalism and critism, God knows valgue words scribbled on me. I shall go far far away....

Service Pack 2? More like Service needed.

I woke up at 11am to find that I can't log into the net. Something was wrong with the LAN connection. Called Singtel to know why is the my winpoet log-in software having error, but they then told me about Service Pack 2 and their criteria might be diff for my network card. So they pass me a Microsoft number in Malaysia(toll-free!), there I was helped by Kevin D'Cruz. He is a genius but then also quite a cheater, but he did solve my problem alright. He just told me to uncheck the 'notify if low or no connectivity' box. So it seems alright now. Thank God I have his email. But he was a saviour at that point of time, funny guy too if I might add. I realised this people who do customer service have a nice tone and voice. Patience and understandable English is important too. Man, I owe that guy a lot, if U are out there looking at my blog(if he does blog hopping), THANKS!!!!

Library and TP and Queensways trip before friday's Genomics exams...

I went to woodlands library today to study, managed to finish 1 topic of Genomics, while waiting to pass Sunil the XP cd. Then I feel bored all of a sudden, I decided to help Fad in his report coz he woke up late. I went all the way to Tampines, meet him at the interchange and went to TP's library. Finish up his report we then went to another block to print out the report. We then went to Queensway to do hard cover binding and ring binding of the 2 copies. It was then already 8++pm, we were desperately finding the bus stop to take 961 to Woodlands. We even ask some malay guy for directions (oklah u know dat it is not me, it was Fad). We manage to then find the bus stop at 8:40pm then got on the bus at 8:50pm. When we reached Woodlands we were so hungry that we ate at KFC. I went home by myself while Fad took 168 home. Haiz poor Fad never slept for whole day yesterday. I think the results will be worthwhile. Not only Fad work hard for it but ME too. Anyway let me introduce U to this cool cup (that looks like a ppr cone) that is used in STARHUB shop for drinking. I took this after Sunil, reky, Michelle, Sasi and me finished watching 'HITCH'... I know I am a bit outdated, what do U expect from a makcik like me? Maybe should install this device at home.

Just by helping and accepting a friend as the way they are...

Jack is the normal type of guy in school, he is not so popular yet not so nerdy. He have tons of friends like those from the popular side of school. Well one day he bump into a guy, John, he was carrying a lot of books with him. Jack know that he have just entered the school but find it weird that he is carrying back all the books back home. John have been bullied by bullies in school and been make fun of. Jack heard from others that he live only with his mum and his dad left them. Just in front of his eyes, John was pushed by some guys and fell, he was laughed at. Jack went over and help him carry his book and held him up. Jack said, "hey are u ok? Don't worry those guys are just bunch of hooligans!" and John replied, "thanks." Jack offered to walk him home so that no one will bully him along the way. Jack teach him how to defend himself too. Along the way, Jack asked him to come by and play soccer with him tomorrow. John soon learn how to get along and they were very good friends. At graduation day, John was assigned to give some speech as he was also one of the most clever student around. He began telling stories of how he started out school, all the bad situations that he have to went through. Actually on the day that he went home with all the books from the locker, he wanted to commit suicide so he figured that he will bring all the books first so that his mum will not need to come back and clear it for him. But along the way Jack come into his life and befriended him, he realised his mistake and wanted to live on and knowing plus learning with Jack. Jack upon hearing was shocked and was glad too that he saved his friend. Everyone there learned something, no matter how small a giving is, it really matters. Even a smile brightens someone day. We don't realise how strong a giving is, it can even save someones life. This is the story that make me not to give up, I hope it will to U too. With the faith I have in my God, I hope he pull me through to do this and also to give the message out. Coz U never know U are saving a life.

Kind of disappointed

Been going through all this advising thing past few days and I can't find myself an answer to everything but only direct the way to the right path. I only want love but not hate, maybe I am forcing myself too much to make them realise the sadness in this world and try to change it. Have U watch paying it forward? Do something diff and try to change the world coz when these things add up, maybe we will make it a better world, God knows we are actually preventing a war. Hmmm maybe some ppl would not understnad the pain I am feeling, I cry coz I am so affected by every surrounding I see or feel. It doesn't matter if I don't know who are they. Some ppl think I am being ignorant but then I still pray for their happiness. I may look as though I am scared of those handicapped but I am scared the moment I touch them, both emotionally and physically. They are one of the most luckiest among all of us, but then we got to lead them so that they will be able to lead themselves slowly, indirectly touching some of us and making us realise how fragile life is. They don't need to touch U to value life but just need to look into your eyes and U can feel the endurance they have and how special they are. On my next entry I shall tell U a story that make me not to give up on this advising thing and to pay it forward. I just feel disappointed coz no matter what I say or do, ppl don't realise the importance or my feelings. Perhaps no one would understand, and I am not thinking too much, this is me, I want to change the world.

Fadly

Let me introduce u to a guy who save me from drowning. Drown by hurt and pain. He was the one who love for who I am and see what other losers don't. Eventhough it has already been like 1 year and 3 mths, I can still cry for him coz I luv him too much... The song that really make me cry and think about him is 'Mungkin Nanti' by Peterpan, an indonesian band. He deserve a hug and luv all his life by a person like me. Do you noe my stupid logbook only reach to 200++... I don't know what else to add. I giv up! I really need to change my blog layout soon. It sux.... That stupid doodleboard of mine is wanting money now.What the... Nevermine I wil find other alternatives.

Depression state?

Is it really worth it to be depress of such a thing and die of heart failure? I don't know whether it really will happen but thats what Sunil said. Guess I will have to suffer alone.

The End

I have done all my best to find out why thigs are going wrong but I gotten no reply and just get ignored to. I think its all this FYP thing. Eventhough I have said that I am sorry but I was still ignored. Even I plea to just be honest with me but I was still ignored. I really don't know what else to do. He totally hate me I think. I don't know whether he told about me to the higher authority. I don't know whether he going to ignore me till I die or what. I really did not meant to overlook the fact that I leave most things for him to do. I feel so guilty but eventhough whatever I say, it doesnt matter to him. I don't even enjoy my birthday at all. If I am not wrong, I just heard him say that he is sick of me. Heard him say that when someone ask about it. I can understand Chinese. I don't know what impression he want people to think of me. Or maybe he just hate the sight of me. I don't know.I given up hope. He don't even talk to me or tell me anything about the project. He does but it seems I can't have help. I think he hates me already. I don't know what to do.

Last friday on 25th Feb 2005

I met Hanisah at City Hall last Friday because she wants to surprise me something. I thought that she just wanted to give me a birthday present but actually it was because of the Botero art gallery situated near Hotel Royal Limited. Followed my cousin before meeting Hanisah to go for an interview at the hotel. Limited indeed! The art gallery was superb and I have never been proud about being fat before in my whole life. Everything over there was fat, even the pear...Heheh...Take a look at the picture I have taken from the net. I didn't manage to take the pictures there. My favourite is the girl looking into the mirror, naked.